Articles

Death Day

by Big Dave © 2003

I had a dream. I dreamed that today was my 'Death Day'.

Everyone has one. We all have a birthday, we all have a death day.

Could MY death day have been avoided? This is what I see upon my death bed...

My wife stands over me, crying. I see that her face is all blotchy and know that she has been crying for some time. She appears to be talking to me, whispering something...I strain to hear, to focus on these words...

"19 1/2 years, my love...that is how long you invited this cancerous death to come into your body. You have flirted with this day for almost 20 years. You have promised me you would stop. You have promised others before me you would stop. You did not. I am left to raise our children alone. You, in your selfishness, have cast this upon your family. No more will I have someone to tell my secrets to, to make love to, to help with those everyday little things that mean so much now that you are gone...to whisper of my love, to hold your hand, to caress your face, to hold and to hug...All have been stolen from me...from us. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I could not miss you more if I tried. My entire body aches and I know that there will be a void in my heart throughout the rest of my days upon this earth. You have been everything to me, yet, through it all, you allowed the habit to control you, slowly creating this day over time. You have missed so much...a taste of sweet chocolate, a taste of my lips, the simple taste of so many things, caused by the deadening of your taste buds, yet you continued to die more every day. Yet, was it enough? No, it was not. Nor was my love, nor was the love of your children. I have lost my life today right along with you. One way or another, I always knew you could quit. I believed in you, your children believed in you...you could not believe in yourself and conquer this demon, though, and so you have created this day. I love you now, and love you always...farewell..."

I want to cry, but cannot. I cannot move, I cannot reach out to her. I cannot tell her I am sorry that I was never strong enough to give up this habit. Too scared and full of excuses to keep dipping, day after day, after day... I long to tell her that I love her just one more time...to hold her again...

She is replaced with my 4 year old daughter...She is crying so hard and does not understand why her Daddy will not wake up and hold her, hug her, tell her that everything is going to be ok and that her Daddy loves her with all his heart. She does not understand why Daddy is unable to kiss her, pull her close and nuzzle her neck, tickling her, making her giggle. She does not understand why her Daddy is missing his lower jaw, why his eyes are closed and will not open again...ever. All she does understand is pain...She reaches out and touches my cheek and whispers, "Daddy, Daddy, I love you Daddy. Wake up Daddy. Please Daddy..." Her mom slowly pulls her away. I hear her tell my beloved daughter that her Daddy is gone, and it is time to say goodbye.

My 2 year old replaces her and I ache, I am so crushed. I want to hold my babies one last time. I want to tell tham that Daddy is so sorry. I love them and never meant to hurt or leave them. I see them fading now...slowly fading into the distance. I am struggling with all that I could to reach out to them...but, that is not possible...because I am dead.

This is the dream that I had. I have had this dream many times. 349 days ago, I took the steps to tell this dream to go to hell. I will not let this become a reality. I vow to never leave my beloved wife without her devoted husband. I vow to never leave my children without their Loving father. However, I know in my heart that one day, that will happen. But NOT because of dipping. I have taken back my life. I have taken back this dream. I do not have to let the demon plague me in the waking hours anymore and I damn sure am not letting him plague my nights, either. My wife needs me, My children need me...and I need them.

I wonder what the dip demon thinks when another of us makes the Hall of Fame. What he thinks when we make a solid commitment to quit being selfish and truly quit. Sometimes, he gets another laugh on us and someone stumbles. It hurts, yes, to see a brother stumble...But, WE have the last laugh. Our fallen comrades get back up and continue fighting. Everytime this happens, the demon loses a little more strength. God willing, we here at quitsmokeless.org will sap that strength until HE gives in to us.

Big Dave